I've taken the lazy way out and gone with a lot of footnotes, rather than attempting to find a way to say some of these things in English. ;)

Osa and Asa’s Agony Column Talk Battle

Haruno: Osa and-!

Sena: Asa’s-!

Haruno: Agony Column-!

Sena: Talk-!

Haruno: Battle!

Sena: You said it! (laugh)

Both: Zuchaka, zucha, zuchaka, zucha. (laugh)

Haruno: Eh, at last we’ve come to the final agony column.

Sena: How saaad. (laugh)

Haruno: Even though you’ve got a grin plastered on your face? (laugh)

Sena: How lonely. (laughs)

Haruno: Yeah, it is somewhat lonely, isn’t it?

Sena: But you’re smiling. (laugh)

Haruno: (laugh) But this is the last one, so let’s rein ourselves in and try to go on, shall we?

Sena: Yes!

Haruno: Okay then, without delay. This is Kyabaria-san’s worry from Sagamihara City. “Hello to the always wonderful Osa-san (Haruno) and Asako-san (Sena). Lately, I’ve gotten into mail-ordering, and it’s become a problem. When I look at a catalog without meaning to, I want the things, and when I come back to myself I’m in the middle of calling. Thanks to this my home is filling up with mail-order goods, which is making it cramped. Indoor treadmills and kingyo undou (1) and such. There are a lot of things I only use two or three times, and I always regret it afterward. Have you two ever bought anything by mail order? Or do you have any good advice for someone like me who is addicted and wasting money on mail orders, or the most valuable of all, if you have some way for me to quit my mail-order habit, please help me. By the way, what I want right now is a simple abdominal machine.” She wants it even though she’s saying she wants to quit.

Sena: Well then, she doesn’t need to quit!

Haruno: You don’t need to quit. (laugh) Leave the mess in your house for later.

Sena: She should buy just the things she wants to buy. (laugh)

Haruno: (laugh) But, you know, you can buy clothes and things like that by mail-order too, but it’s hard to know the size and feel of the material, isn’t it? I hear of a lot of people who did that, but didn’t like things and ended up sending a lot back in the end.

Sena: That’s a waste.

Haruno: Yeah. So I stay away from mail ordering things as much as possible.

Sena: But you pretend to do mail-order commercials a lot, hm?

Haruno: I do.

Sena: This is-!

Haruno: Buy it now and it’s a bargain!

Sena: Nineteen-thousand…

Both: Eight-hundred yen!

Haruno: And there's more!

Sena: And there's more! ….. That kind of feel. (laugh)

Haruno: Right, right. So that’s why when I do my shopping I want to look at the thing with my own eyes, and if it’s an instrument, try it out, and if it’s clothing, try it on.

Sena: They often have those things like health foods, don’t they? I bought something called “Aotama”, but I didn’t drink it for more than three days.

Haruno: (laugh)

Sena: And besides that there was so much of it. (laugh) I didn’t know what to do.

Haruno: I understand. That’s why I think it’s best to check it with my own eyes as much as possible, and I’ll shop with that resolve for my entire life!

Sena: That’s right. Places like Loft (2) have all kinds of abdominal machines, don’t they? If you don’t buy it by mail order, I’m sure you can still find one. But it’s looking at the catalog that you really enjoyed, hm? You can still enjoy it…

Haruno: Just stop your imagination. (laugh)

Sena: Let’s all look at the actual items with our own eyes when we’re doing actual shopping!

Haruno: Yeeees, it’s settled! Well then, next, from Jaiko-san in Kobe City. “Hello, Osa-san, Asako-san. I’ve enjoyed looking at every issue. I’m in a daze over Asako-san’s ore-sama (3) tone and those broad shoulders (broader than mine). Ah, those shoulders… That’s my problem. When I’m shopping and can’t try on the tops, if I buy them they never sit right on my shoulders. If I buy them with shoulder pads, I turn into an American football player. What can I do to buy clothes that fit my shoulders? Please give me some good advice.” (laugh)

Sena: That’s annoyiiiing. (laugh) What does she think I am?

Haruno: A giant? (laugh)

Sena: … Oh, fine. I’m me, after all. You know, this kind of problem is easily solved. “Buy otoko (4) things.”

Haruno: It’s “men’s”, geez. (laugh)

Sena: Men’s, men’s. There’s never any shoulder pads, and if you pick ones that suit your shoulders, there are pads you can sew in yourself.

Haruno: It’s simple! (laugh) But you know, saying “I’m in a daze over those broad shoulders (broader than mine)” – You're saying less than Asako’s would be narrow shoulders?

Sena: Hah, that’s right. (laugh)

Haruno: But, “If I buy them with shoulder pads, I turn into an American football player” – doesn’t that make Asako the American football player? (laugh)

Sena: It does not! That’s a huge exaggeration! The width of my shoulders may be wide, but… they may be wide, but they’re not as wide as you’re making them out to be! (a little indignant) For example, with Masa-chan (Haruno), people are always telling her “your face is long”, “your face is long”, but….

Haruno: Yep, yep, so they say.

Sena: But it’s not really that long, is it?

Haruno: Yeah. I’ve never thought it was.

Sena: You didn’t, right? And I never worried about the width of my shoulders. So when people exaggerate like this…

Haruno: It’s annoying? (laugh)

Sena: I almost want to start a fight. (laugh)

Haruno: Jaiko-san probably didn’t notice this, but my shoulders are pretty amazing too.

Sena: Masa-chan looks slender, but she has pretty broad shoulders, hm?

Haruno: That’s right. It’s not mentioned, but they have width. So even though I see a blouse that I really like, when I try it on it doesn’t suit my shoulders, so I cry and cry and give up. That’s happened many times. But at times like that, there’s nothing I can do about it, so in the end I go to the men’s.

Sena: And lately a brand will have something in both ladies’ and men’s. I’ll look at something in ladies’ and think “this is no good!”, but if I go and ask a store clerk, the same kind of design is in men’s too. Although the buttons are a bit backwards.

Haruno: I’ve had that happen to me too. (laugh)

Sena: You have. (laugh) But something that suits your body is the best, isn’t it?

Haruno: Yeah. And if I ask the store people, they bring out all kinds of sizes. So please search in all kinds of ways.

Sena: Although the men’s things are pretty certain.

Haruno: Well then, next is Rana-san, from Ageo City. “Hello, Osa-san, Asako-san. I think that you two really get along well (I hope this is true).”

Sena: That’s probably just your wishful thinking. (laugh)

Haruno: That’s right, just go on thinking what you want. (laugh) “I’ve come to talk to you for help resolving something that’s worried me for ten years, since I was in elementary school. Actually, it’s about the tiny mics that you all wear when you’re on stage. How many and where are the switches for those mics? If they were switched on while everyone is in the wings on standby, the audience would be able to hear you talking clearly in the wings. But I don’t think that means the Takarasiennes in the wings are talking in sign language.”

Sena: (bursts out laughing)

Haruno: I could just imagine that. (laugh)

Sena: Sign language! (laugh) We often use body language to talk, though.

Haruno: Talking in sign language would create a disturbance, would it? (laugh) “I’ve thought of all kinds of things, but in the end it was too much and I just confused myself more. Couldn’t you please resolve my ten year worry in your interesting Talk Battle? Thank you.” I’ve never thought of that before; I’m always concentrating on the play, I suppose?

Sena: That’s true.

Haruno: Because I’m performing seriously, you know.

Sena: (laugh) But, honestly, we don’t know. They’re all managed electronically.

Haruno: I think probably they’re switched on just before we say our lines.

Sena: Although there are moments when: “It’s not on!” (laugh)

Haruno: You’ve got it already, but there’s also times when: “It’s still on!” (laugh) But we never use sign language or anything like that in the wings. (laugh)

Sena: We use body language. But when I was a kid I was interested in sign language, and I even had some books that were bought for me.

Haruno: Ah, really? If you had kept that up, there wouldn’t be any more instances of people saying “Be quiet!” and getting angry at us when we’re in the wings.

Sena: There wouldn’t, would there? (earnestly) They’re angry at us a lot, hm?

Haruno: Even though we use body language, they still say “Be quiet!” and get angry at us.

Sena: Our existence is noisy, isn’t it?

Haruno: Really. (laugh) How depressing for us.

Sena: Depressing, definitely. They tell us to be quiet and get angry at least once every performance, don’t they?

Haruno: They do.

Sena: Do we really talk that much?

Haruno: We don’t, do we.

Sena: Just normal. (laugh)

Haruno: Hm… we probably don’t need mics.

Sena: Ah, true. (laugh)

Haruno: Our voices carry well without them. (laugh)

Sena: Ah, let’s not give anyone any good ideas. (laugh)

Haruno: Well, concentrate on the performance and don’t let anyone listen in! (laugh)

Sena: Yes. (laugh) Well then, our final guest is Moon Troupe Top Star, Shibuki Jun-san. A worry from Lon-Yeon (5).

Haruno: How nostalgic, “Sarang Ai”!

Sena: “Sarang Ai”!

Haruno: Big brother!

Sena: Masa-chan played the younger brother, huh. Well then, here we go. “Hi, you two, how’s things?”

Both: We’re good! (explosive laughter) Yay!

Sena: She was so cool in the TCA Special! I got to perform with her ♥

Haruno: I got to perform with her a little too ♥ We’re fans, huh? (laugh)

Sena: Yep! “My baggage for rehearsal has gotten strangely large, and it’s becoming a real problem. Anyway, it’s heavy!”

Haruno: “It’s heavy!” (laugh)

Sena: “RIKA.” (laugh) How cool: “Hi, you two, how’s things?” (6) (laugh)

Haruno: Really ♥ The fact that Rika-san (Shibuki)’s rehearsal baggage has multiplied is somehow or other not surprising at all.

Sena: It doesn’t surprise me either.

Haruno: Rika-san is stylish. (laugh)

Sena: That’s right. (laugh) One belt is enough, but she’s so stylish she needs two or three.

Haruno: She always has them in her bag. (laugh) Probably a towel too, and she probably changes it before every scene.

Sena: Probably. In Rika-san’s bag there’s probably a belt, and a towel, and T-shirts…

Haruno: Thirty things or so. (laugh)

Sena: Also, there’s a mountain of hair ties in there too, don’t you think? (laugh)

Haruno: Ties and pins. (laugh)

Sena: They’re definitely in there. (laugh)

Haruno: So I can really understand how heavy it’s gotten, when I see someone with the kind of style Rika-san has….

Sena: We really enjoy it too! Because we’re thinking, “I wonder how Rika-san will look when she comes in today?”

Haruno: It’s a stimulus. So I really hope you don’t decrease your luggage!

Sena: Yeah, I hope you don’t decrease it!

Haruno: There’s already a phone and…

Sena: We should go take charge of her baggage. (laugh)

Haruno: So if we increase it more, then what will she do?

Sena: Really. What about if she brought a closet with her?

Haruno: (explosive laughter) Rika-san’s aren’t even rehearsal clothes anymore, are they? I think she’s unusually fashionable. I think that side of Rika-san is wonderful, so please leave your baggage as it is.

Sena: More than that, I wish you would have even more! Change before every scene! (laugh)

Haruno: Yeah! Okaaay, I’m read~y! Ah, it’s finished alread~y. (laugh)

Sena: And at last we’re finished! (laugh)

Haruno: (an exhilarating smile) Thank you to everyone who read this for the year!

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1- kingyo undou (金魚運動) appear to be an odd kind of exercise machine that you attach to your ankles while lying down, and which works your stomach muscles by vibrating you from side to side. …Yes, I know.

2- Loft (http://www.loft.co.jp/index.htm) is a slightly overpriced but rather cool store with a lot of interior goods and other random things.

3- Ore-sama (俺様) is a very tough-sounding, first person male pronoun, with an honorific ending attached. So the speaker means that Asako is masculine and very confident (possibly arrogant) in how she talks. For the next couple of sentences, Asako uses “ore” to keep the joke going. “Ore-sama wa ore-sama dakara” she says a little later (“I’m me, after all”).

4- otoko mono (男物), or “male things”. I left it partly un-translated, because Osa comes back with “menzu”, or “men’s” to correct Asako’s terminology.

5- Lon-Yeon (or something like it — I don't really know Korean names) is the name of Rika’s character in “Sarang Ai”, which was Rika’s first show as top star (a national tour) in 2001. Rika also performed the show as a Bow Hall in 1994, when she was in Flower Troupe, which is what Asako is talking about when she refers to Osa playing Rika’s younger brother.

6- “Haai, kimi-tachi, genki?”　(ハーイ、君たち、元気？) This is typical cute Rika, with random English thrown in.